Helpful Hints

TRY TO:

• Get Out!  Do something outside of school or the office,  something you enjoy, or that allows you to feel good about yourself (perhaps helping others in some way?)    Young people may especially need an identity and acquaintances outside the ‘fishbowl’ of their school.  The younger the child is when s/he becomes involved, the less insecure and afraid s/he may be to try something new (lest s/he be rejected, or  fail at yet another thing).


• Judge the incident, not the person. We all make mistakes.  Why do some mistakes make an individual pathetic and unlovable, while others can be forgiven?
  If you are judged, try to focus on the specific behavior that is criticized, not your entire self.  (Feeling guilt is different than feeling shame, and can be  productive-- it focuses on the transgression, on making amends). 
  If you are judging others, focus on their behavior.  What would it take for them to make amends, and be forgiven? 


• Keep a log. If you or someone you love is being harassed or abused, keep track of the incidents:  What happened, where, when, and who was involved?  What actions were taken?  What was the response?  It is important to take screen-shots. A  record of just the facts helps authorities to act, should it come to that.  It also helps victims to feel pro-active, feel that they still have a legitimate voice.   Their pain matters.


• Journal. Write about the experiences (separately from keeping a log of them).  If you or someone you love is being tormented and humiliated, don’t (or, encourage them not to) keep everything bottled up.  <What is YOUR story (or  THEIR story).  Write it, re-read it, adjust the facts, get it right, imagine what you might have done.  Research has shown that ‘expressive writing’ has all sorts of mental and physical benefits.


• Continue to ask questions when your child rejects your overtures with eye-rolling, accusations of prying, or a closed bedroom door.  Statements such as “I’m FINE,’  ‘go away,’ ‘leave me alone,’ or ‘you won’t understand’ should not be allowed to shut down all attempts at communication (despite their intent to do so).  Later, ask about movies, concerts, favorite musicians/athletes/stars in the news.  Leading with the  'common-ground' of a dislike of something helps retain a connection--a bond  (we all know ‘nothing’ happened at school today but ‘‘what nasty thing did they serve in the cafeteria?' can lead to 'what do you feel like for dinner?')   Make contact.  Rest assured that as long as s/he still has tastes and opinions, s/he still has a sense of her/his own identity.  And if s/he can talk about why s/he likes or dislike something (as opposed to ‘it just sucks’) even better.  Understanding and being able to articulate 'why' (the guitarist only knows three chords, s/he tweeted a racist comment, he always drops the ball) helps maintain mental functioning.  S/he is what psychologists call 'cognitively engaged' on a higher level.  And as long as s/he shares even this much with you, there is a thread of connection.  The door remains open, the bond is not ruptured.

As an Adult, TRY NOT TO:

• Try no to offer ‘namby pamby' pat assurances.’ or to ‘act cool.’  Be a Listener. The problem is big.  Well-intended advice (especially the vague assurance that it is 'not that bad' or that 'things will work out') will often shut your child down.  Limit such 'helpfulness.'
  
  
• Try not to intervene until necessary. Support and console  your child in ways which encourage and empower her / him to figure out how to  alter the dynamics of the situation.   This may not be possible, but the attempt is crucial to self-esteem.  It will reinforce your confidence in her/his ability to handle her/his life, and lessen the chance of negative backlash from peers.
  
  
• Try not to assume you know how your child feels.  Adolescent society is full of nuanced social media and shifting connotations in a world that is not only expanding, but speeding up.  Empathize while acknowledging  you don’t know, but you do know how you felt when something similar happened to you, and, if the time seems right, share your experience.
  
  
• Try not to assume that what you are hearing from your child (however terrible) is the whole story.  Or that it offers an objective interpretation of the events.  While s/he may have been victimized, imagine what your child tells her peers about your disagreements.  While your child is suffering, and while her/his perspective is integral to understanding her/his pain, be aware that this is one version of the story--others may confirm it, or tell a slightly different story. 
  
  
• Try not to take your child’s failure to confide in you, or rejections of your offers to listen, or help, personally.  The issue is not about you.  They may, in fact,  need to prove (to themselves and/or others) their ability to act independently of you.

AS A BYSTANDER, YOU CAN
    refuse to remain silent and indifferent to social cruelty. 
    Bystanders can  be an asset to victims in many small, unnoticed ways:

• Be too  busy or have something else to do, instead of staying on-line or standing around and becoming a spectator to taunting and public humiliation.  Walk away–and perhaps convince someone else who is watching to leave with you.
  
  
• Avoid networks that spread gossip.  Don’t ‘like’ posts or attach your name to ‘petitions.’
  
  
• Create a distraction.  Suggest everyone go get a snack, go to the mall,  shoot hoops, watch something on you tube, or anything that will draw interest away from the bullying that is ‘in-progress.’
  
  
• Make eye-contact with the victim,  even offer a gesture of support–an eye-roll in the direction of the bully, a shrug of the shoulders, a smile.  This doesn’t mean you are going to become best friends, but rather, that you think the ‘social penance’ she is suffering is over the top.
  
  
• Take responsibility.  Do not assume that someone else will 'do something.'  Quietly inform an authority, should a situation clearly be out of hand.  When everyone assumes someone else will tell (so-called ‘diffusion of responsibility’) no-one gets involved.
  
  
• Judge the behavior, not the person. This allows for her/him to make adjustments, or amends.  To be redeemed. TO BE OK.