FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

What's the Big Deal? Why Does Relational Aggression Matter?

During adolescence, young adults are involved in developmental tasks which include: 1) the development of an identity; 2) separation and independence from family; and 3) fitting into a peer group. When these tasks are 'perverted' by the punishing aggressions of peers, long-term affects may result. In situations involving Relational Aggression, "mirroring" -the peer group's reflected reaction to you-- occurs along negative lines. Mirroring is crucial to identity formation, and with Relational Aggression, the foundation of an adolescents sense of self may be 'loser', 'reject', 'not good enough' -not loveable-- a waste of space. Self-esteem is low, and feelings of insecurity may persist throughout life. Furthermore, trust in the external world, and in the nurturance and support of relationships in that world, is thwarted -if not destroyed. The ability to trust as an adult -and to open oneself up to close relationships -is affected. Finally, this type of behavior reinforces unproductive patterns for handling hostile emotions -on the part of victims, kids in the middle, and bullies.

How Do We Help Perpetuate this Type of Behavior?

Have you ever indulged in gossip? Shared 'knowing glances'? Said you weren't angry when you were (then degraded that individual behind his/her back?) We can all cite 'victim' stories -incidents when we were excluded or treated badly. But how many of us can remember our participation in bullying? We've all done it, and the longer we deny our capacity for meanness, the more ingrained stereotypes of female non-aggressiveness become. As author Rachel Simmons puts it, "We become accomplices in the culture's repression of assertive women and girls by making aggression pathological, private and hidden."

What Can We Do?

• Before our children become victims (ages 5-9) we can involve them in groups outside the school (e.g. scouts, YM/YWCA, JCC, gymnastics, karate, skating, etc. etc.) Give them diverse friendship circles, so that if a situation arises, there are alternate venues of support already in place. Furthermore, by expanding and enriching your child's horizons, s/he may stumble upon a passion, which will engross her/him and help shore up a sense of identity. This is something they may cling to in the face of any instances of Relational Aggression in the future.

• Challenge your young adolescent. Acknowledge the pervasiveness of gossip -after all, it is a form of intimacy. How long can s/he go without gossiping? Can she and her friends journal their gossiping? (Who gossips the most?) This is very tangible and very eye-opening to adolescents. It also begins to chronicle abuse.

• Remember that kids themselves are our most powerful weapons. Teens listen to other teens. Empower your adolescent. Encourage her/him to stand up for victims by not jumping on the bandwagon. They can effect change -by doing simple things like refusing to be an 'audience' for a bully. Walk away. Or don't laugh in class. Don't gossip. Don't sign 'petitions'. Don't participate in on-line hostilities. Not going along with the abuse du jour does not necessarily mean publicly standing up for the victim. A first step is standing outside the tide of aggression. Get a life -be too busy for this stuff. And your example will encourage others to stand outside the tide and refuse to go along with the abuse. Once others stop participating, the dynamics change. Often the abuse just dies -or it can be publicly challenged.

• If you are the parent or guardian of a victim, encourage your child to keep a journal of RA. What happens, who is involved, and what -if any -actions are taken? What is the response? This is an invaluable instrument if a situation warrants parental intervention. Documentation enables schools to act.

•Research has shown that so-called 'expressive writing'--journaling traumatic events--has all-around health benefits. It is theorized that by writing about trauma's, an individual actually begins to process them by breaking them down in a meaningful way--one which can be incorporated (for example, 'I was a victim...). This may help loosen the 'traumatic' impact of many incidents have.

• Don't minimize your child's pain. Phrases like 'you'll get over it'; 'no-one will remember this by next week'; 'you'll make other friends'; 's/he wasn't a good friend to you anyway'; 'why do you let this nonsense bother you?'; 'it isn't the end of the world,' etc. all miss the point. They only prove to your child how 'out of touch' you are. Empathize with your child -and keep the conversation going. (Remember when school was Your Whole World?) Trivializing these aspects of their lives encourages them to shut down.

• Monitor situations. Your daughter/son needs to learn to handle things. Strategize with them (can you help your child make a joke of the teasing?), empathize with them (commiserate and share your own stories, while spending a day doing something with them), and only intervene as a last resort. S/he doesn't need the added abuse of having mommy have to fight her/his battles until things are clearly out of control.

• If situations require intervention, consider short-term professional counseling for your child. Among other things, the situation often involves losses that need to be grieved, and positive perspectives that need to be brought out and emphasized.

What NOT TO DO

• DO NOT intervene on behalf of pre-teens unless absolutely necessary. Not only will this further embarrass your child and make the situation worse, it will reinforce to her/him that she is incapable of handling her own life -that you don't have confidence in her/him either. If you must intervene, begin discretely, with someone you feel is approachable.

• DO NOT minimize the anguish this causes your child and attempt to sweep it under the rug. If the subject is uncomfortable for you, you need to explore your responses-- independent of your child

• DO NOT assume that their perspective is the whole story. Imagine what your children tell peers about your disagreements. While their perspective is important, it may need balancing.

• DO NOT stop asking questions when your child rejects your overtures with eye-rolling, accusations of prying, and informs you that it is 'impossible for you to understand.' Keep trying -but be less direct. Ask what movie his/her friends think is a 'must-see' -and why. Get a sense of your adolescent's reality. Where does s/he situate her or himself within this world? Avoid yes/no type questions.

•DO NOT take phrases like "As If that's going to bother me" "like I care" or other expressions of indifference at face value. This may be an indication of your teen shutting down--numbing herself to the pain. Keep asking questions--stay in the conversation.

•DO NOT take your child's failure to confide in you, or rejections of your norms & 'solutions', personally. Their issues are not about you, but about their relationship to social groups -(even though you may consider their choices a reflection on you.) Actively seek out other adults -or older children of your friends -who might 'mentor' -and become a confidante of-- your child.